i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
