Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
