I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
