don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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