he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
