oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
