i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
