He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
