It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
