The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he told me I talked like a deaf person
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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