FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
