He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
