I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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