Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
