I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
