can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
