and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
