I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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