If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
