Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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