you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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