Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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