i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
