Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
