matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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