i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
