Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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