Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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