I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
as a side note pls kill me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
