Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
