Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
