I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
