Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
