Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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