I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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