i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
