you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
