U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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