She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
