Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
