i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
