Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
