3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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