I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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