No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
