How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
