there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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