Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
