Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
