so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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