my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
