There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
