I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
