I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
