I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
