1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
