yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
