things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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