Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
