just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize