He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I would ride that face into the sunset
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
