i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
