i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
