look no pants
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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