meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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