ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
