my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
